every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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