i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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