So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I enjoy the company of your penis
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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