haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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