U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
