just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm too high and old for this...
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