Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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