It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
