Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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