Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
God, you're like boner-b-gone
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
