so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
