saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
