I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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