You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
