I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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