There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
