For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
