sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
