Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
