its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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