at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
