Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
