I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
