Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
