I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
