Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
