I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
