is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
