so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
