hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
