I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
