The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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