A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
