Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
