god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
