I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
