I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
