just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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