Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
