I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
