I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
home. puking in laundry basket.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He did a backflip because drugs
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
