Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
