Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My dick has a subreddit
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
