take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
