i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
