I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
