First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
