You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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