My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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