Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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