you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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