That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
